Posted by: Moon | April 5, 2011

Finally, I had to write this …

I have been mulling this over for a while now, and wondering how to write this blog so I don’t upset people, so here goes..

For the time we have been living in Slovakia, some 20 months now, we have been living with my Parents-in-law. Before I start, I must make it really clear that these two have welcomed me into their family and home, and have shown nothing but love for me. They have huge open hearts, so full of love, concern and thoughtfulness for us both. .. and that, my readers, is where the problems start ……

Lets also get this straight, I am 39, I am living in my 4th country, I have travelled to many countries, worked in The City in a very professional role, found work, set up an office in California, travelled alone around Australia. I do not know everything, but I am pretty well travelled. I have experienced the death of all my grandparents, my father and two very close friends, been married, divorced….I survived all of these, and they gave me a wealth of experience in living life. The point I am trying to make here is that I do not NEED anyone to look after me, fuss over me, tell me what I should be doing…. I want and like certain people to give me advice, but not to be told …..

So.. lets get down to what issues I am having with my loving PIL. Again, I make this VERY clear to you all, most of these issues are probably mine, hang-ups that I have, but, at my age, I am allowed to have these issues, and that’s is what makes it MY life…….

I need space and privacy.. like most adults. Partly of a naked, personal point. I want to get up in the morning, walk to get coffee, and not worry about putting on clothes. I am really not too bothered who sees this perfect arse, but there is a limit. The real privacy I want is space. We do not get any….. When I arrive home from work, MIL is there to open and close the gate to get the car in, questions on how my day has been, what I want for dinner, Am I tired ? etc etc … Doesn’t sound too bad does it really ? …. It is, it smothers me…. I need time when I get home to sit and not talk… but then I get asked why I am so sad … I’m not sad.. I am just quiet ! I need to do things myself, I need to be in control and to not have someone trying to please and do everything for me. That includes my wife btw, but we have an understanding of that issue. In the morning, I want a coffee.. just me … I don’t want firstly one PIL asking how Matej slept, How I slept and then the same from the other … Yes Yes, I KNOW they are just being polite, but not every morning, the same thing ! At night, EVERY night they come upstairs as ask “Matej sleeping ?” .. without fail …. I want to shout “No, he is out juggling chainsaws and shooting the dog !!!!”

I need space form everyone, I need space from my Son, my Wife and friends some days, we all do.

I had a precious 30 mins to myself last week, so I slipped onto my bed for a quick sleep (parents of little ones know this is a precious moment) after 5 mins, the bedroom door opens and MIL (thinking I am not there) comes in to secretly clean and open windows…… Drives me insane. I have issues with our Bedroom. It happens to be the only room we have as ours, however, even in a mansion, I think a bedroom is very private, and not open to anyone to visit, walk though or even look into. My issue I am sure, but deal with it. Nobody should ever just walk into a bedroom. Sadly, they have a different of a way of life, and my PIL do not see things this way. I have to remember it is their house, and it used to be their bedroom, but still, we have said how we feel about it, so surely you should listen and respect that ?

They also want to know everything that goes on in our lives and get offended if we don’t tell them. They feel we keep secrets. Well, partly we do, and that is because of the fuss caused by them knowing things. I hid from them until the day I was caught out in my suit leaving the house, the fact I had a job interview. Afterwards, EVERY day I am asked if I have heard anything. I haven’t told them about my health, but even then we are being told what Dr’s to see, what appointments to book etc …… The house is yet another huge issue. They know we are having bank meetings about releasing more money. They tell what we should do, how we should speak to the bank etc…… and what amazes me, is they have no experience of what we are doing? They do not realise that I have handled a 200k mortgage on my own before… they shudder over a 100Euro a month mortgage.

If the builders call, my wife now takes the call outside, because as soon as the phone goes down, FIL wants to know what’s going on. Before she even has time to talk to me about it, they want to know and want to advise…… It drives in insane. Of course, they have some valid ideas here, and they do know how Slovak builders work etc…. but again, gives us space to talk about our issues first.

I need some time and space with my Son. You would have thought that if I am playing with him in his cage, or lying on the bed playing, that’s MY time, I do not expect to have one of them, or more often both, coming over, calling him (until he does react, or the voice just gets louder and louder) or tugging his toes or hands talking to him. Leave us alone, for just some father and son time. Mrs M just leaves us be, as I do when she plays with him. They have no understanding on personal space. If I come in from outside with him.. “let me do this, let me do that” …. No… let ME deal with him, wake him slowly, change him, undress him… but I get followed like a shadow. It’s as though that have nothing to do but wait until we get home so they can run just to see him, as though he has been gone for months … it’s weird to me. When I get home from work I don’t run to him, I say hello to all, go and get changed and slowly find some time with him. My MIL is obsessed by heating the house to a million degrees. She asks us if we want the heating on, I say “no thanks” only to find the heating goes on anyway. She is obsessed with changing Matej’s nappy as though we let him sit in his own filth, advising on how to fed him over your shoulder as you give him his porridge… is he warm enough, makes sure he has a hat, careful of his head …. WE KNOW !!!!

Now, I know you will all say .. “you will be like that one day” … I can assure you I will NEVER be like that.

Yes, I know they love us

Yes, I know they are parents

Yes, I know I am so lucky to have them

Yes, I know our house will be ready soon

Yes, I know to grit my teeth and get through it

I know all of that……. But I also know that it is not natural, and I am thinking of feeding them to the pigs ……..

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Responses

  1. You’ve answered every point that you’ve made! You know they do it because they care, and because they’re parents and want to feel part of everything you do… every bit of Matty’s life…

    It’s really bloody hard sharing a house with someone when you’re an adult and you’re used to your own space. A lot of this, as you’ve said, is frustration that your own house is tantalisingly close to being ready.

    When you’re just a visitor, their interest will be easier to take, I’m sure.

    Deep breaths… count to ten… escape for a walk and remind yourself your house will be ready soon (mind you, if I was Mrs M, I’d hide all the sharp implements, just in case). xx

  2. Of course you are right, it is not right for Children to still live with parents …. but I can tell you now, I have already discovered that you get about 10-15 yrs for murder here… might be worth it ?

  3. Oh lord .. I think I’d go and live under a hedge!! You have my sympathy, Moon. My Mum is exactly the same and I have to grit my teeth just spending one day with her sometimes. We really had to put our (collective) foot down when the boys were young because we really, really did not want either parents or in-laws just marching into our house unannounced – and my younger son and his girlfriend still have this issue with his in-laws. They just. Walk. In. And start cleaning! It drives them nuts as I’m sure it would drive anyone nuts.

    No, I don’t think you’ll be like that one day. You’ll be like me – so concerned NOT to be like that that you are even more ‘hands off’ as an in-law yourself!

    I know they do it from love and they’ve been more than generous to you and Mrs M, and they sound like wonderful, warm-hearted people. I know my Mum does it from love too (in our case it’s not so much the heating as the TV, which is ALWAYS on, and if your eyes stray to it, as they do, she asks if you want it louder, you say no, and up goes the volume anyway). But to me love is about making sure you please the one you love, not giving them what YOU think they should want, not to smother them.

    • Again, I do have to remember it is their hose, but other things, the heating goes on like it’s a sauna, and then they open windows ?? no matter how many times we discuss it, nothing changes …..

      It feels like they know best, and they will do it their way anyway ….. ah well *sighs ….

  4. Does sound a bit smothering. Also sounds like it is unlikely to change anytime soon. I guess you simply have to keep working on the new home and get in as quickly as possible. Go for some long walks by yourself, take along a cigar and a litre of bitter, sit, relax and think good thoughts.

    And don’t feed anyone to the pigs. Robert “Willie” Pickton did that here and some people are still off pork.

  5. I said him the same.. lets go for a long walk at the evening. We will feel better.. but my love you always say.. I am tooo tired. Really? Or just can’t bother anymore. Thinks are never easy and even they are my parents I am on the edge of screaming sometimes. But I also know if I let things get into me so badly, even the slightest and most innocent thing will get into me and that is not good and very damaging.

  6. I feel for you. A bedroom is an inner sanctum, not even my kids come into mine. Still, having lived with ‘family’ (I used to live next door to my parents, now it’s my brother) has it’s problems. I just grin and bear it for the sake of not falling out. Fortunately he’s not nosey, quite the contrary, he’s almost aloof and uncaring, we barely talk which makes the air a little thick sometimes. Ah well, like you, hopefully I won’t be here too much longer and become queen of my own castle soon enough.

  7. Cortes, you could’ve left out the last two lines. Ewe. Anyway, Moon, you’re almost there (in your own place). I know it can’t be easy living with in laws, but it’s almost over. You’ll appreciate them more then.


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