Posted by: Moon | September 9, 2010

Co-Sleep … not on your Nelly !

This will cause a few different opinions, and each to their own.

We made this choice before Matej was born, and it’s probably the one thing (along with Dummies, Formula Milk, … actually, quite a few things) I will not deviate from. Matej will not ever sleep in our bed !

Now, having got addicted to Twitter over the last couple of months, advice has been flowing from many people. My main friends list are all Mum’s, and their advice has been VERY helpful over the last 14 days. After all, our ideas are just that, Ideas, the Mum’s and Dad’s of Twitter are exactly that… Mum’s and Dad’s … I got a little touchy over this round of advice, as it was suggested that ‘I’ made this decisions as ‘I’ didn’t have to get up to feed. People that know me soon realise exactly how my relationship with Mrs M goes. I say exactly what I want, when I want, I make all the decisions and that’s final …. until Mrs M says so ! Seriously, does anyone really think that the Father alone makes this kind of decision ?

So, to co-sleep or not. We are in the thought process that Matej will be very happy sleeping in his own bed. From Day 1 he has slept in there and he will continue to do so. We don’t think he should get used to being in our bed (please note, this is for overnight sleeping, not cuddles and creeping in to see us later in life).  Now, the reasons for this are quite a few. I know one couple that has a huge issue trying to get an older child to sleep in his own bed. I certainly do not want that. The main reason we don’t want him there is because we feel we have pretty much lost all of us to him. That’s fine, that’s exactly what being a parent is all about, and we are cool, about that. However, the one place where we are still a couple, still husband and wife, still lovers is our bed. I am not talking sex here, however, later on that will be an issue, but more that we have us, together. We can hug, talk, watch our TV. We can continue to have our time to keep our relationship on course.

I wonder how many Husbands, or couples (if they were allowed to be 100% honest) would agree with me that the closeness, the sex, the part of being lovers has been lost because there is a little one in your bed, more than likely, between you ? Now, you may well say I am being selfish, or we are being selfish.. Maybe, and that’s your opinion, but having both been through a divorce, we are both devoted to our Son, but also devoted to each other and making sure this relationship works, which means spending time with our Son, but also making sure we have 5 mins to make sure we are as close as ever. We spend every second thinking, worrying, working to make sure our Boy is happy, fed, warm and dry, see our relationship can easily be forgotten.

So what about the husband and wife part ? when do you get chance to fall asleep holding your lover ? to wake and roll over to see them feel them, be with them… this is so important to relationships when the rest of the day is taken up by a little one.

Just my thoughts… no-one is right or wrong here, but for one second, don’t think this was my decision because I am a man, we make all these decisions together

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Responses

  1. I don’t think you’ve made a bad decision at all. We had made a similar decision when our daughter was born 2 years ago. I will say that we caved on several occasions when, rather late at night (or ridiculous o’clock) when Little Miss was poorly or there was no way that I could remain vertical standing next to her cot or rocking her. At 2 she sleeps every night in her own bed but in the morning, when it’s suitably morning, she does jump into our bed for morning cuddles,giggles and stories.
    I would say that you have a very sensible approach to keeping the couple side of your relationship strong which is very important and very easy to forget. Well done you! Stand by your convictions and to each their own as you say!
    Karin

    • I certainly will stand strong, as it’s something I believe in. Other have their opinion, and that’s cool. It annoyed me that it was suggest that I had made the decision. We will see how this goes, but I am confident this is right for us.

  2. So so so agree with you 100% and co-sleeping was something we never did either. Parents need their own space, it’s all about the baby/child 99.9% of the time, your bed is the one place you can have to yourself.

    @LisaMcP on twitter!

    • That’s what we think. We have both lost previous marriages, and we are not going to lose sight of the fact we are still a couple, not just Mum and Dad …

  3. Hi Moon,

    Absolutely the right decision, I’ve had three and not one of them suffered by sleeping in their own bed. Apart from anything else it is by far and away the safer option.

    Also those cuddles when they come in at morning time become even more and really special,

    Good luck to you both, loving seeing all the updates and photos,

    Tracey xxxx

    • It’s just how we want to do it, and it can’t really be right or wrong… but I am very aware that we have to have time for each other, as well as for Matej …..thank you x

  4. TOTALLY AGREE. The closest we got to co-sleeping was at 5:30 am every morning for a feed; I’d sleep while they fed. Before 5:30 they were definitely NOT in our bed. And even once they’d finished feeding, I’d put them back.

    Indeed, I think the parents need to remember they’re still a loving, caring couple who need their own time and space. And by the way, it was ME who made the decision that there was to be no co-sleeping. And both kiddos sleep great in their own beds 😀
    Good luck to you all!
    xx

    • I think there is a huge danger that 100% of your life revolves around your child, and you forget that you are human too. Don’t get me wrong, he still gets 99.9%.. but there has to be room for us as a couple …

  5. I think your attitude to your relationship is brilliant – it’s all too easy to lose that in the early years. We did co-sleep, not all the time but often enough for our kids to still feel that it’s ok to creep in in the middle of the night when they need to. I think it works for many people, and obviously doesn’t work for others. And that’s the crux of it – this parenting lark is bloody hard, we’re all learning all the time and the best thing we can do is learn to trust our own instincts and make our way the best we can, calling on others for support when we need it. Px

    • We really feel that we have to keep an eye on us as well as him, important for both if us. It is hard work, and no one way is correct, it’s personal feelings and how you were bought up too…. We keep fumbling along, and it will all turn out well in the end

  6. Tricky one… When our eldest was born, we vowed not to go down the co-sleeping route for the reasons you mention. In the end, however, we did, as she had terrible reflux, and the only thing that worked was little and often for feeds – co-sleeping was the only way to do this and to stay vaguely sane. Our youngest was always a model baby from day 1- eating and sleeping well, so it never felt necessary. I’m therefore a big believer that it has to be what works for you.

    • yup, nail on the head, it’s what you believe, and what is right, each child is just so different x

  7. I think there’s a band of activists (one even calls herself a ‘lactivist’ FFS, who have searches set up for tweets about breastfeeding/co-sleeping etc just so they can dive in and slag people off. I’ve already said it but I’ll say it again: he’s your baby, you make your own decisions about him, and if someone gets shitty or aggressive on twitter, you just ignore them. There’s always people with extreme opinions.

    We didn’t have the dudes in with us – they slept in a cot next to our bed until they stopped night feeding, then they went into their own bedrooms. Oh, and I was crap at breast feeding too and lasted about three weeks with each of them – and both of them are clever, bright, sparky and answer back a lot.x

  8. By the way, you can totally forget about getting laid until he’s at least two.

    Ahaha.


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